Fitness slogans do not motivate me

I’ve gone to my fitness center once in the last six months.  Considering my monthly membership fee, my gym card is the most expensive photo ID I own.  I sit on the ab crunching machine, hoping to do 50, and the back of a muscle man’s tee-shirt catches my eye:

GO BIG OR GO HOME

I think, OK, maybe I’ll add 25 leg lifts.

Afterwards, I walk past a man pulling on rope chains, as if hoisting a whale from the deep.  A woman climbs a rotation ladder that ascends steeply toward infinity.  I purse my lips and think, “Honey, don’t blow your knees out.”

I shake the jealousy away and think, “I’m not doing badly for 60, motoring around compared to other people.”  (“Other people” being the paralyzed or the bedridden).

Just then a blonde in neon pink walks by with a slogan emblazoned across her perkiness:

EXC– USES SUCK.

Fine, I’ll have a few go-rounds on the indoor track.

After a few (true to my word) laps (in the slow lane because the window views are marvelous), I sit down for a read.  Where are all the gossip mags?  Geez, am I being forced to read various versions of Best Workouts?  Fascists.

Another tee-shirt goes by: SUCCESS DOES NOT REST.

Oh, kiss my abs. Fitness slogans do motivate me…toward lunch.

Posted on HumorOutcasts.com on 6-17-2015

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Suzette Standring

SUZETTE MARTINEZ STANDRING is a nationally syndicated columnist with GateHouse Media. Her two award winning books, The Art of Opinion Writing: Insider Secrets from Top Op-Ed Columnists (2014) and The Art of Column Writing (2008) are used in journalism courses such as Johns Hopkins University. Suzette is a past president of The National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and the host of It’s All Write With Suzette, a cable TV show about writing. Visit www.readsuzette.com or email suzmar@comcast.net
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  1. OMG! Hilarious!!! I just came to poke around and look at how great your blog page is, so that I can learn from the best, and just had to read because the title grabbed me! You are fantastic!!!

    • Suzette Standring

      Nicole, you are the best interviewer ever! I had a great time on your show. Thank you for covering all the bases.

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