Fitness slogans do not motivate me

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Suzette Standring

SUZETTE MARTINEZ STANDRING has been a published columnist since 1997, and nationally syndicated (2007-2021). Her two award winning books, The Art of Opinion Writing (2014) and The Art of Column Writing (2008) are used in journalism courses such as Johns Hopkins University. Suzette is a past president of The National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and the host of It’s All Write With Suzette, a cable TV show about writing. Visit www.readsuzette.com or email suzmar@comcast.net

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I’ve gone to my fitness center once in the last six months.  Considering my monthly membership fee, my gym card is the most expensive photo ID I own.  I sit on the ab crunching machine, hoping to do 50, and the back of a muscle man’s tee-shirt catches my eye:

GO BIG OR GO HOME

I think, OK, maybe I’ll add 25 leg lifts.

Afterwards, I walk past a man pulling on rope chains, as if hoisting a whale from the deep.  A woman climbs a rotation ladder that ascends steeply toward infinity.  I purse my lips and think, “Honey, don’t blow your knees out.”

I shake the jealousy away and think, “I’m not doing badly for 60, motoring around compared to other people.”  (“Other people” being the paralyzed or the bedridden).

Just then a blonde in neon pink walks by with a slogan emblazoned across her perkiness:

EXC– USES SUCK.

Fine, I’ll have a few go-rounds on the indoor track.

After a few (true to my word) laps (in the slow lane because the window views are marvelous), I sit down for a read.  Where are all the gossip mags?  Geez, am I being forced to read various versions of Best Workouts?  Fascists.

Another tee-shirt goes by: SUCCESS DOES NOT REST.

Oh, kiss my abs. Fitness slogans do motivate me…toward lunch.

Posted on HumorOutcasts.com on 6-17-2015